You know what’s annoying? Accidentally inviting the wrong kind of people to go boating with you. Because here’s the thing about embarking on a water journey—whoever gets on the boat needs to stay on the boat (if you’re ethical). It’s not like a house party where you can simply ask them to leave, or passive-aggressively play the most irritating song in the world until they exit on their own. (There IS a place for “It’s a Small World, After All”!)

I realize this makes me sound like a terrible hostess. I promise that I love to spend time with (some) people; it’s just that I’ve been caught one too many times in an objectionable conversation with no way to extricate myself. Especially on a boat.

Maybe your list of who you will or won’t bring boating is different from mine (in which case, don’t invite me out). But here’s how I would categorize the good guests from the bad.

Yes

Helpful: I love the kind of people who will give me a hand without my asking. Courteous friends can see when I’m obviously struggling with an inordinate (but legally necessary) amount of poofy lifejackets and offer to carry a few. Or they might help me tie up my dock lines. (I realize this means I need to stop inviting my children. They couldn’t be less helpful if they tried.)

Nonjudgmental: I get it; most people can back onto a boat ramp better than I can. But please don’t criticize me out loud. Let’s let the gawkers at the dock do that while my guests (aka friends) give me encouragement. So what if I need to take two or three approaches to straighten out my trailer? I’m learning. It’s not nice to point out other people’s mistakes. Unless you do it in a boating column.

Music Savvy: If there’s one thing I need in my life, it’s a good DJ. I love groovy music but have trouble sifting through the millions of choices. So if you’ve got a plethora of playlists cued up for a variety of moods, and you promise not to play heavy metal or “It’s A Small World After All,” then you’re invited.

NO

Political: Some people love debating politics, whether it soothes their need to inflict pain on others or just entertains them to see you get mad. My brother is like this. He’ll call me up about a controversial newsstory and argue his points with a zeal directly proportional to how much I disagree with him. But I just can’t handle it. In today’s divisive politics, it doesn’t feel like anyone wants to have a political conversation as much as they want to convert you to their point of view (or tick you off).

TMI: It’s just so awkward when people give you too much information. I’m all about sharing my childbirth stories and boy do I have some doozies. In fact, during one of my labors there was so much…No wait, that’s a terrible thing to talk about. And I don’t want to hear your gory stories either, especially when I’m eating Jello cups and cottage cheese.

Bores: Almost worse than the over sharers are the people whose conversations are so dry they practically combust in the sun. If I ask for your life story, I’m hoping you’ll share the juicy bits and not the tedious town-by-town replay of how you moved from Leavenworth to Beaufort to Hamilton to Sequim. Snore. Some people can’t see that irrelevant facts are by definition unnecessary. Which makes inviting them aboard pointless, too.

Maybe

Clean freaks. This one I’m on the fence about. I appreciate people who help me clean up and won’t let their children drink soda while using the seats as trampolines. But some people are so uptight that it’s impossible to relax around them.

I once stayed with a friend whose penchant for neatness was borderline pathological. She interrupted my morning makeup routine to shake out the bathroom rug and empty the trash while I was standing in said bathroom getting ready for the day. It’s akin to the waiter clearing your plate while you’re trying to enjoy those last few bites. I know they want to wipe off the table, but sheesh. Can you give me a minute? I’m okay if beach towels are strewn across the boat while we’re swimming. And I get that my boat doesn’t have epic storage to keep every item out of the way, but please don’t pick up my stuff while I’m trying to use it.

So here’s who I’m taking boating: helpful people with great taste in music, intriguing stories to make me laugh, and minimal irritating habits. Is that too much to ask?